Can it be that I have not lived as one ought?

Ivan Ilych, society's fear of death, and the importance of living

“Can it be that I have not lived as one ought?" suddenly came into his head. "But how not so, when I've done everything as it should be done?”

The Death of Ivan Ilych by Leo Tolstoy is a chilling and absorbing novella about a man suddenly facing death. The titular character has never put thought into dying before and consequently is scared, unaccepting, and maddened by his impending doom. He, in his mind, has always lived correctly, so why should he die so suddenly?

I will admit quite candidly that this book came to me at a time when I, your author, had been wrestling with the thought we are all going to die one day and what it means to live fully and authentically. The reality that I would one day die, quite literally, kept me up at night. “We should not fear death,” was not a good enough reason anymore, but after a time of thought and the influence of some influential reading. I have accepted it in a way. The only genuine fear is dying without ever living; that was part of Ivan Ilych's problem, but his even bigger problem is one I fear is more common. Many people do not as much as look at death, instead acting as if it will never happen, so, like Ilych, they find themselves surprised and horrified by it. There is no death without life and no life without death; how can we truly understand life if we do not truly understand death?

Culturally, death is, for most, a taboo topic we do not discuss: is that part of the problem? Our culture (American/Western) has always strived to avoid it; death to us is a definitive end. Another unpleasant topic we are not supposed to talk about (along with religion and politics.) We avoid cemeteries, shudder at fake skeletons, and recoil at the sight of a hearse driving on the road. There are frightening subcultures that are obsessed with death and as a consequence dress in black and wear coffin-coated jackets and skeleton chokers. But is any of that really death? We tend to look at death all wrong, so how should we look at death?

Dying is simply a natural element in all our lives. What has a beginning must have an end. If there is light there must be darkness, and where there is life there must be death. As a Christian, I should have no real fear of death, but all around us, this enveloping fear of death is very prominent in our culture. A macabre elephant-in-the-room situation. Tolstoy was right, though; if we do not peek at death it will only horrify us when it comes. People act like thinking of it while you are still alive is horrible, but what if it is really the other way around?

It is in acknowledging death that I have found the strongest will to live a fulfilling, authentic life. It makes life seem all the more special, and the trials of life feel all the smaller and more significant. Because the material world and our material selves are temporary, and our souls eternal. Even though our world is temporary, there is a certain beauty in that. Something should hold more value when it is rare; life being so short should be treasured.

It is sad to see people wasting their lives striving for meaningless things like success and riches—material riches only satisfy our physical selves. As I have formed a healthier relationship with life and its partner death I have craved things that feed my soul: art, adventure, love, spirituality, and an authentic human experience. People fill themselves up with empty things, putting on their blinders, shunning death, and consequently losing sight of what it means to live. We can not appreciate light without darkness, and we cannot fully experience life without a healthy relationship with death.

I’ll end with a quote from a book on my to be read list (A Grief Observed by. C.S Lewis)

“It is hard to have patience with people who say, ‘There is no death’ or ‘Death doesn’t matter.’ There is death. And whatever is matters. And whatever happens has consequences, and it and they are irrevocable and irreversible. You might as well say that birth doesn’t matter.”

Feel free to leave comments! Tell me your thoughts or what you would like me to write about next time :)